DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
White parent Vs Arab parents
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Stonehinge
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
guys I’m going home
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I love art.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
and now we wait