I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works