Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
what day is it?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.