🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
We avoided this particular disaster
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology