More like Kate Missington.
You Might Also Like
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
courtroom exchange of the day