Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
it’s the silliest best thing