There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy