I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Just ordered me some pizza!
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?