“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.