ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.