Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[montage of me giving-up]
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.