When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
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My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.