Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
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Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat