If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator