Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”