Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
You Might Also Like
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Sheep
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.