Weirdly Wednesday.
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Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.