Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
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Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?