Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
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“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks