Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
not for long
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.