@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Pot warmers of the day.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I laughed at this way too hard.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…