Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Nothing to do, you say?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.