“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.