*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
#CatsOnTwitter
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.