I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
broke down and did it
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.