I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?