I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.