[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
You Might Also Like
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good