holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Has there ever been a more American story?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us