Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
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Always 🥴
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.