the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
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Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no