give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
no cat here
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I only treason on days ending in y
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?