#parenting
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
titanic
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.