[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I triple waxed for this?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Lmbo
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
We have a winner.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣