I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
You Might Also Like
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.