[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Good morning, Twitter x
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.