I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
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9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.