“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”