Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: