I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly