This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
What my back needs
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice