Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Should I call tech support or pray or what
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict