me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health