We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.