My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
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(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open