ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.