Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks