Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
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Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
My teenage children choosing violence
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”