I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Don’t make me out nice you.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.