Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.